An Aerial View

2012-03-11T05:39:00.001-07:00

Haiku

Every nightmare ends the same

Me retiring to bed

Begging for sleep

Apostrophes for i's

2012-03-08T16:11:00.006-08:00

Haiku

Either

You have never been seen

You have never caught one

looking

__________________

_______

Dear You.

A Short Conversation

2012-03-08T02:14:00.006-08:00

November 9, 2010

__________

How did you do it?

How did you fall out of love?

_____

I realized deciding it was all fake

took less energy

than sitting around wondering

what parts were real.

__________

I admit my body's impermanence

2012-03-08T02:03:00.001-08:00

and accept my soul's infinity

étranger

2012-03-08T02:02:00.000-08:00

April 19th, 2011

He and I were standing on the same beach, walking along the surf.
We ended up close enough in proximity that small talk seemed inevitable.
He asked me if I'd recently come upon a difficult truth.
I looked at him like it was a joke.
I felt transparent, but shook it off. I tried to reply casually, explaining I'd just been feeling weird the past--

--Three weeks?

He guessed.

It hasn't been just you.

He crouched a bit to survey the horizon, but I knew he was looking at the World.
What was it about us? I couldn't put my finger on it.
What made us the same person?
And how did we know we both recognized this fact?
We started fighting smiles, and as the water reached my ankles, I studied his tattoos and buzzed head; wondering how I could have so much in common with someone so seemingly different from myself.
He knew what I was thinking.

I'm a bit of an eccentric.

He said, as he readjusted his sunglasses to his forehead and clapped the sand off of his hands.

But you already knew that.

He raised his eyebrows and we laughed as the waves lifted us off the ground.
I hadnt noticed the wall of water had raised to our chests.

I could've asked him anything, but I didn't.
He could've told me everything, but he didn't.
Instead we gently lifted our heads back, and slowly floated away.

Hybrid

2012-03-08T02:00:00.000-08:00

October 22, 2011

If I can paint

a picture for you

with just words

How am I

just

a writer?

If I can tell

a story to you

with just one painting

How am I

just

an artist?

Sleep well. You Too.

2012-03-08T01:48:00.004-08:00

And so it began

just as it was ending

a new chapter

same as old

cold

distant

yet friendly

2012-03-08T00:59:00.002-08:00

I know that

a stone man's

heart

only beats

once

Probably for Nomad

2012-03-08T00:52:00.006-08:00

With every attempted attack

my pulse gets a little slower

my brow a little lower

brain quicker

lips tighter

preparing a rebuttal

battle stance

cause I'm a fighter

Don't care much for violence

I just don't have that in me

wrists of glass

and a jaw bone prone

to being broken

but even through shards and wires

I'm bound

to be outspoken

Draw back

pull this tongue from this cheek

and let it fire freely

If I seem to lack intrigue

you're welcome to keep sleeping.

Dreaming

seeing

only what you've been told to

you aimed for love to dodge the lonesome prison

of your mind

but now the shackles are all that hold you

Haiku

2012-03-04T16:35:00.003-08:00

Love flows through me

Suspended

I'm a prism

And the World is my wall

Wound and Ready

2012-03-01T17:38:00.003-08:00

I've surrendered to the cycle

Accepted the inevitable fate

of being

just another bear trap

But there's a single second

where the pressure's pleasant

and these metal lips

feel like a kiss

Kindled Kindred

2012-02-28T01:02:00.003-08:00

Stand clear

the fire's contagious

and I'm just one of the diseased

Two Kings Day

2012-02-23T02:03:00.001-08:00

February 12, 2012

Two different kinds of lonely,

sitting in the same bed.

One burned and burdened

with heavy heart,

other

with heavy head.

She Might Not Make It

2012-02-23T00:42:00.005-08:00

I try to help her

she stumbles every other step

limping

to a slowing melody

bleeding

hope

ever outwardly

I silently plead with eyes

broken

clouding

dry

but she can not see

I try to help her

I put one frail arm over my shoulder

and carry her

but my ankles are brittle

and my spine cant manage the weight

of everything she holds

I try to help her

I try to hold her

but she's slowly turning from me

retiring against a boulder

allowing the darkness to creep

This voice inside my head

she is so weak.

Only the Opposite

2012-02-23T00:41:00.003-08:00

parents

nod the head and never question

lover

kiss the lips and never question

stranger

fit the stereotype

and never prove them wrong.

Silenced

2012-02-23T00:36:00.003-08:00

First time by the parents

a muted disappointment

second time by the lover

a spiral wired prison

this time by a stranger

poisoned by her jealousy

Haiku

2012-02-22T13:47:00.005-08:00

____________

Rich noise

such a sweet voice

but your lyrics expose

such a bitter soul

_________

Lost Chronicles: December 2011

2012-02-20T16:15:00.000-08:00

NOEL

I stood there

teary eyed in a concert venue

appreciating the twinkle lights

and the presence of

once-acquaintances

who

through the passing of a doorway

had now become my family

and my orphan days came flooding back

Dog days

pushed into darkness

can't be held back unless

you do all in your power

to forge the chains

to truly change

For the times that I have died

For the times that I have forgotten

This one's for my Mormons

This one's for my orphans

This one's for everyone

I left

behind

Lost Chronicles: December 19, 2011

2012-02-20T15:45:00.000-08:00

IF YOU THINK IT, TELL ME

Standing in an unfamiliar place

One she'd only seen in dreams

She fought back a few tears
and shrugged off passing glances
from strangers in button up jackets

She re-hoisted her bag
filled with her essentials:
one pair of shears
one French-to-English dictionary
a needle and thread
6 pens and four dollars.

Ready at any moment.

The nomad knows no home
knows no family

but she has now,
and she has here.

Both are so elusive
that she will chase them til

the day she finds her heavy sleep.

Routine

2012-02-20T02:11:00.001-08:00

I went from

sleeping next to my

best friend

to

lying in bed awake

alone

.

Progress is Progress

2012-02-19T05:20:00.000-08:00

I'm dying every day

and I'm hardly any better at it

than when I started

Insert Your Name Here.

2012-02-19T04:56:00.000-08:00

The Truest

Le 10 Fevrier, 2011

You know in what way I love you

In what way

I would become you

Fight your battles

Be your strength

Remind you of the love

you are

and emanate

I'll hold you from the outside

'til you let me slowly in

and then I'll support you from the inside

and be

your skeleton

You'll let me be your candle

for the messages

you can not read

and I'll be your oxygen

when it is

you cannot seem to breathe

You know in what way I love you

you know because it's true

You know because you feel it

because the same love's

inside of you

I know in what way you love me

because

I've dawned new eyes

ones that see that I am you

and

You are I

There are no sides

Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

2012-02-19T04:19:00.000-08:00

A white veil was laid down

All was made even

All was made fresh

and anything unwanted

that remained underneath

would wash away with the Sun

The Difference Between Fear and Pain

2012-02-19T01:41:00.001-08:00

A beaten dog will flinch at every raised hand

But don't accuse him of not being able to tell the difference

Between the fear

And the follow through

Skip to m'Aloo

2012-02-15T03:16:00.000-08:00

I want you to know

you got my best years

and there's no one

I'd rather let

them have.

Nature's Way

2012-02-15T02:39:00.000-08:00

Sounds a little harsh

but sometimes

it's the only way to do it

starve that fucking ego

if you're not committed to it.

Stop Worrying.

http://dictionary.reference.com/browse/metaphor

Surface

2012-02-15T02:20:00.000-08:00

Tying words to kite strings

let them

lift me away

surpassing advertisements

as my feet are freed to sway

I bought property in Heaven

invested in my dreams

because I plan to

end up

there

singing

born

of funneled screams

Valentine Two Thousand Nine.

2012-02-15T02:13:00.001-08:00

The good life haunts me

in a wonderful way

everything I think

isn't everything I say

Niche

2012-02-15T02:09:00.000-08:00

There's a reason coffins don't come in king size.

RIP

2012-02-15T02:02:00.000-08:00

Lately

if at all

I manage to sleep

it's with arms crossed in

defenses

dagger

not even sheathed.

Attached at the Hip

2012-02-13T18:22:00.001-08:00

Fresh seams ripped clean
dreams of memories
and
made up scenes

Potential

Regrets

Torture myself with
shredded legs
shins dripping in
reminders of has beens.

The Lesson I Refuse to Learn

2012-02-13T17:03:00.001-08:00

I did something

I couldn't do

all of the months that we'd dated

all of the hours he'd held me

helped me

heard me

felt me

Finally

I took my mask off

looked him dead in the eye

and told him

I love you

to which he replied

I think you're a good person

So I proceeded to curl myself into the corner

knees to chest

and mourned the loss of him

and any hope I had left

that someone could fight off

this demon that sits perched

gnawing on my shoulder.

Tower

2012-02-13T16:59:00.000-08:00

He told me there was nothing

quite like being with me when I'm happy

But I guess even

the most unique of experiences

can be bought out by

the idea of not having to work for it.

Save your energy

Let him have me.

The Freestyle I Caged

2012-02-13T16:42:00.001-08:00

You want me to flow freely

and boy do I want to appease

the problem isn't that it's hard

it's that it's too damn easy

You've got a padlock for your neck

Wish I had one for my mouth

'Cause sometimes

I'll be honest

embarrassing truths come spilling out

Like the fact that I'm not just scared

but horrified

of the dark

Or that I can't be touched by someone

without it leaving a mark

It's not what you pictured

Now that you've got what you wanted

The dark side of me

gaunt face and haunted.

The Tipping Point

2012-02-13T16:41:00.001-08:00

Finally

we've reached that tipping point

where the bad outweighs the good

and you give up on me

just like I knew you would.

Boxspring Altar

2012-02-13T04:47:00.001-08:00

I die alone each night.

Room for One

2012-02-13T04:35:00.001-08:00

Now my room

my own space

my safe haven

once again

Has become

a disgrace

a grave yard

for what could've been.

Frostbite

2012-02-12T23:46:00.001-08:00

Letting go hurts

just as much

as being choked

like coming in

too quick from the cold

hands burn

Lonely

They long to be held

and to hold

Chrysalis

2012-02-09T15:52:00.000-08:00

I don’t think caterpillars spend their days in the darkness knowing they’re going to emerge as butterflies.

I don’t think men spend their days in the darkness knowing they’re going to emerge as gods.

Introductions.

2012-02-06T03:12:00.001-08:00

Allow me to take a second and get centered in

take a deep breath

redirect all of this adrenalin

Voice shakes like it's holding all of my weight

Carefully choosing words

because anyone could make or break

The Nomadic Chromaddict 'cause I'm addicted to hues

and new views

unskewed

by my harsh Winter time moods

I've gotta keep making moves

keep swinging my limbs

and when my head gets too heavy

I start letting out hymns

I've got

3 months

6 days

to feel

and then it's right back to that suitcase

a lifetime kicking up heels

Some call it a complex

an obsession with progress

but that's a bit too much credit

because the point is it's thoughtless

but I digress

Here I am

back at this scene

8,000 days watching that stage

knowing well someday that'd be me

I don't know what you're selling

but I can say that I'll pass

'cause anything you could want me to be or buy

I am

and I already have

Excuse me

but my name is not "Consumer"

I am more than the card holding daughter of a boomer

I've got a sixth sense

and it is one of humor

Can't keep up with the Nomad?

Then maybe you should pursue her.

Lost Chronicles: Dec 20, 2010

2012-02-03T13:15:00.000-08:00

I felt compelled to write you down
but like a dream upon waking
you slurred and stumbled away

I saw hazy frames of days
in beautiful places
beyond description
I saw tender hands to delicate chins
and breeze blowing the tall grass around you.
Eyes that kissed every surface
and just the smallest of smiles hiding.

I wanted it to be me.

You were the lover I thought the world wanted me to have
but you belonged to someone else
and I had just been dropped into a void
fully furnished
and smelling of someone else’s memories.

I adopted traits I thought you’d recognize
or miss about her
And even though I’d never
met her
seen her
known her
I could feel my way through it.

And I did.

Til I fell through completely

and ended up on the other side.

The Orphan

2012-01-27T02:57:00.000-08:00

pick up

to the gathering

dangling in white

lace

curtains

hold me as I melt away

shedding charred

burnings

layered to an infinite

arguable and insolent

I'm the chapped up inuit

just waiting for the daylight to come.

I have an ever changing reflection

I am ever breeding misconception

I am forever haunting your recollection

But I am addicted to the comedown just as much as the injection.

the endless corridor.

2011-12-18T04:00:00.000-08:00

tongue tied and twisted

confused beyond logic
should have me committed
living at somewhat chronic
yet mystic
levels of perception.
Damn me to hell,
I admit it,
that at a nightmare’s reception
I abandon the infinite
and
I’m left rather lonely and fatalistic.
Solidity is rejected
Blurred lines get intercepted
by new lines
by fine lines
by old lines
Inception.
How can I break out of a cell that’s been created
by a being that lives in more dimensions than
I can pray in?

and all dimly lit exits come to a close with thick chains.

and all of these hallways lead to scary rooms in my brain.

Learning Styles

2011-11-18T15:23:00.000-08:00

He taught me to appreciate the nice words

by overusing the hurtful

You teach me to appreciate the nice words

by only using them when you mean them.

High Contrast Corn Syrup

2011-11-18T15:08:00.000-08:00

The truth is
because of past hurt

I've become quite guarded.

My verses grow generic,
like they're pumped with chemicals
on some corporate cropland
Like some high fructose corn syrup
diluted with too much water.
Sometimes my words
fail to impress
like the pages of a shallow book
forging a leaf
may fail to preserve
like the inky old arm of a typewriter
may fail to set

And though I know I have my emotions
and though I know that they are
all tightly wound
in colorful spools
I have not yet chosen
what the theme of my public tapestry will be.
So in the mean time,
I utilize my safest chromes
my purely negatives
and positives.
Conservatively I etch in
the occasional shade
just to give me
the slightest hint of depth.

To you I seem
bland
vapid
insipid
and
monochromatic

but don't let that fool you

The color's only missing
because I haven't shown you yet.

Romanov

2011-10-30T15:18:00.000-07:00

I'll be the colors

I'll be the wood

I remember the times in the gardens
prancing around in scraps of satin

and doing more harm than good
I remember the night time games
of blankets and laughter and stars
I remember locker fights and writing notes

wanting things to last, even if they stayed as scars
I remember being in love for the first time
I remember confusion of equilibrium
and a boy with the draw of a magnet
I remember the rush of youth uprooted

and wanting something just because I knew I couldn't have it.
I remember the fear of the dark
I can still feel the streaks of frustration
the pops of my knee
my back
my hip

and the burn of every laceration.

I know what's best for me, even though I always steer it to this.

I still feel the pressure to be perfect
the pressure to try harder
do better
persist.
I can still feel the weight of resistance
the press pushing hard to my chest
I remember the feeling of
pain
anger
resentment
turning into forgiveness and bliss
for all of those friends I have met here
you made my finishing days sunny and careless
and for all of those who I'd brought here with me
we'll meet again

Together, in Paris.

An Old One

2011-10-30T15:15:00.000-07:00

You're just stones in my pocket
and I'm drowning so fast
You're just bones out of socket
humoring ghosts of the past

I've got a hole in my vessel

a crack in my mast

I've got a whole ship screaming
and this ocean's so vast.

Double Helix

2011-10-30T15:09:00.000-07:00

my view from inside the whirlwind
where somehow
I seem to've stopped time

this place where
one moment's forever

where connection's by one finite line.

I'm talking about
the window
where solely I look through to yours

cautiously I dare to remember
bits of the scenes and the horrors

We severed ties on a foggy platform

highheels cocked inward with worried knees

Then parted eyes from our telescope romance

rolling waves crushing into icy sleeves.

truth

2011-10-30T15:06:00.000-07:00

May.

I've got a mouthful of truths

and I've been chewing

and chewing

and chewing them up

just to get them down.

But if you keep putting your words in there

ones that don't belong

ones that aren't mine

I might just spit them all in your face.

The Tortoise and the Hare

2011-10-20T15:41:00.001-07:00

How can you respect her

when she still believes

in nonsense things

Like God and Love.

Brussels Sprouts

2011-10-20T14:43:00.000-07:00

Indifferent in the Genesis

Kindred from the Renaissance

Enamored at the exodus

Heartbroken since the epilogue

Began to think we'd grown apart

perception changed

Celeste went arms

She's searching

frantic

and she just wont stop

til she finds the message in the analog.

relations

2011-09-20T23:05:00.000-07:00

Haiku

I do not want what you're selling

I wanted what you had advertised.

sidewalk.

2011-09-13T22:23:00.000-07:00

I stood there

smaller than a child

red curtains dangling

pebbles imprinting feet

that hadn't felt the hot cement

in ages.

I overflowed

asking

if this was what dying felt like

Self diagnosis

A mystery solved

Hands shaking and empty

the vacancy making them

frigid.

Staring

Breaking

Mending

Pulsating back and forth

between death and immortality

a flash in a mirror

and suddenly I was

the grayest blue

from elbow to icy finger tip

For a moment and a half

I was just a frosted window

One in which she saw her

painful past

I folded around her

until we became one body

four arms

one center

An Explosion

that even with eyes sealed shut

could only be described as

gold champagne

and some how then

as we released

the haunted was freed

and I was again

just as plainly colored as stained wood

and just as warm

as resurrection.

it.

2011-09-13T22:21:00.000-07:00

August 20, 2011

Stop.

Stop looking.

You know where it is.

They've told you.

You've told you.

You're just playing dumb.

And no one's in the game

anymore.

No one

but you.

Momentum.

2011-09-13T22:15:00.000-07:00

August 20, 2011

Wound like a spring

strained with tension

pulled tight on my ends

and preparing for release

self aware of my conscious's spiral

the curves of my infinity

the inevitable change of my

sameness

It's all just a different side of

the

same

old

thing

A mobius strip

A life on repeat

The words change

but the song is the same

Skip forward

Rewind and

Pause

Remix and

Re-do

but

familiarity

is bound to grow stale

Turn me down and match my beat

with a similar song

but different.

Switch tracks

of vinyl or train

so long as it's

not again

this 8-count refrain.

long time no speak.

2011-09-08T23:21:00.000-07:00

I called them today

and told them I was grateful

I told them I was sorry

that I didn't know I hurt them

when I let others hurt me

I told them I was lucky

I told them that I loved them

and then my dad picked up the extra handset

so we could all cry about it

together.

All I Said

2011-08-31T19:38:00.000-07:00

was,

"I don't believe in that kind of love."

and he looked right through that facade and said,

"Oh,

Someone hurt you, didn't they?"

The Recluse

2011-08-09T03:00:00.000-07:00

Haiku.

I need someone

to recognize

You don't love me

You love my disguise

2011-08-08T00:18:00.001-07:00

sometimes I want to wilt it all like flowers

molt it all like bugs

sometimes I want to wash it off like showers

and run until I'm numb.

All You Are is Now.

2011-07-03T03:01:00.000-07:00

The waves hit me like time

and I am reminded

that we create our pasts

to make our present relevant

and none of this will matter in the morning.

How I Left Myself Behind

2011-07-03T02:16:00.000-07:00

I was always with him.

But I realized my mistake

and left to find myself instead.

I only met disappointment

when I proved more elusive than expected.

And

I grew discouraged

when I couldn't find me anywhere

because

he'd always made it look so easy.

I wandered through the blueprints

tracing every line

and when I found my corridor

I knew that it was mine.

I floated over dark stained wood

and prepared to find my room

when suddenly from down the stairs

I heard troubled voices call.

So I forged a map in my memory

and promised I'd come back.

I found the source of the wailing

and stood frowning at their closed door

I wouldn't stay there
forever

I told myself

I'd just stay

long enough

and not a minute more.

The truth is

that was lives ago

and I just shook awake.

Molting the stale reality

that I'd been sleepwalking

through my body's wake.

I am standing in my new home

where no one resides

but me

visiting

whispering

ghosts

who haunt me in my sleep

but even after waking

I look down

and I can see

that I am still floating

dark stained wood

four full inches below my feet.

Fear

2011-06-21T11:08:00.001-07:00

I just want to go there

and fix all of these thoughts

cause surely I'd recognize

something worth fearing

If it's something you're not.

Answers for Ink.

2011-04-25T11:13:00.000-07:00

Haiku

A constant reminder

that while being the leaf

I am still the tree

The Remnants de Mon Coeur

2011-04-19T08:16:00.001-07:00

J’ai utilisée tout les mots
I know
how.
And now

I’m left with seulement
scraps.

Splinters, d’un fragile mind
-shattered
encore, encore et
encore.

Alors
S’il vous plaît,

pardon the mess
I’m still putting my vie back ensemble

and I’m all mixed up.

Written before it even ended

2011-04-19T08:10:00.000-07:00

Is it worth it?

The fights

The feuds

the unbearable interludes

Is there even another option?

Can you be just one of many?

Could you leave me be?

For the sake of my sanity?

I've built so many futures around a disappearing act

that my cities seem random

like lunatics planned them

And I'm left with a hollow ville

Echoes on marble

my heart is rendered

to a ghostly sung song

and a city poorly centered.

Please

if you're going to leave me

for gods sake

make it the last time.

Feeling Backwards

2011-04-17T15:12:00.000-07:00

Quick

Somebody tell me to never look back.

To look forward and forget

all that was.

Quick.

Somebody tell me i don't have to feel this.

That I deserve better.

That it doesn't have to be this way.

Somebody tell me I'm losing my mind

That this isn't it

That there's better out there to find.

Quick

Somebody tell me.

Encore

2011-03-31T12:26:00.000-07:00

I've perfected the art

of the false reveal

I strip down

so rough

so crude

so seemingly nude

but be warned

there's always another layer.

Colocotaire

2011-03-31T12:00:00.000-07:00

No matter how dead I claim

it always comes back

the feeling of

being betrayed

feel like

running away

but the blood from my legs

vacated those veins

and made its escape

now it all pumps to my face

and the pale

is being replaced

by a visual scream.

Fusion

2011-03-29T11:57:00.000-07:00

These lines are blurring

like lipstick on a mirror

rough

yet smooth

I see these lights

and feel the darks

and I'm holding my breath

as I adjust to this infused reality

like a fish out of water

or a girl under surface

I prolong visions

of laying on my back

at the bottom of a crystal pool

watching warped figures

laughing

out of happiness

fear

and confusion

these faces all dance across my rippled screen

and I motion for the water to keep me under

so that I can remain an anonymous viewer

for just a bit longer

The colors,

they are beautiful

and the talking,

there is little

but everyone here knows

exactly what is meant.

Past Tensed. Present Released.

2011-03-04T18:38:00.001-08:00

I'd spent my adolescents feeling so old

I felt robbed of my youth

I became resentful of others who hadn't had it stolen away as I had

I decided to leave my town

The friends I had made

and kept

I wanted to escape the sterile chaos of routine

It made me feel trapped

Made me feel insane

I picked a destination

Took my decision by the hand and ran with it

Freedom my Marathon's medallion

Love handed me France

The promise of

Change

Experience

Culture

Academics

It offered me a paralyzed clock

Who would raise no hand against me

Here

I promised myself

I would not age

Here

I would bloom

So I ventured

I took long walks in solitude

I painted in silence

I wrote to the gentle hums of my thoughts and the purring of my happy pen

I felt peaceful

I talked to the moon

and smiled at the trees

I became whoever I wanted

I invented myself

And I realized

My youth had never been stolen from me after all

I'd only misplaced it

And though I wear my adult disguises

of business skirts

high-heeled boots

and the occasional rouged lips

I do not fool the Port Guard

who wishes me a Bonjour

and calls me

Petite Mademoiselle

I smile now not because I have to

Not because I am expected to

I smile because I am happy

Happy with a secret

That I've done the impossible

I've gone back in time.

Everything at Once

2011-02-22T17:17:00.001-08:00

What is love to me?

It is everything it seems it shouldn’t be.

It is the antithesis of my naive

assumptions.

Love isn’t butterflies.

It’s the calm that’s left in your stomach after they vacate.

Love isn’t needing to be with them every moment.

It’s knowing if you walked away now

you’d be happy if reunion ever came.

Love is giving with out selfish intentions

Love is reassurance

Love is laying on driftwood in an infinite ocean

with warm sunshine and a cooling breeze.

Love is Gratitude

Love is past longitude and latitude

it’s attitude

It’s feeling absolutely fine

It’s knowing there’s no “yours” and there’s no “mine”

It’s finally comprehending that there

ending.

No time.

Just us.

Just all.

Just one.

I love all the world at once.

And it’s hard.

clocks

2011-01-17T17:11:00.000-08:00

We've gotten it backwards

We go to bed late

Young lovers enthralled

But we wake up later

Tired and old

I keep meaning to wake up

With the sun still in the East

But this age defying process

Takes a lot of effort

And it's this horrible catch 22

'Cause the harder I work

The more tired I get

Someone re-set

These imaginary clocks

My brain ticks away

My days tend to forget

These clocks will keep going

In circles and knots

Til my age is a letter

And my sun is forgot

2011-01-16T13:52:00.000-08:00

My heart is an empty box.

8

2011-01-03T03:40:00.000-08:00

Relentless

Defenseless

Insistence

Persistence

No sense in

Resistance

Shaken up

Shake again

Look.

I'm tired of this tumbling text

of nothing and

nonsense

confessions

and

misleading digress

contradictions

create friction

and floating metaphors

without supports

only leave me

hanging.

I'm found reaching yet again

arches stretched and singing

calves are screaming

knees are pleading

I want your frothy blue liquid to

solidify

in time

and space

and being

and grace

and just

live

know

glow

survive

revitalize

realize

that who you are

should not depend on which angle you hit the glass at

or the number of taps it took to get you to turn and face the light

I want your responses to be

a little more precise

concise

personalized and

full of insight

I want to learn something from you

not play you

not get bored of you

confused by you

lead in circles

lead in knots

need a map

for all these thoughts

It seems now is not the time

Tried matching things up

line by line

rhyme to rhyme

but forcing does no good.

I'm tired and losing my patience

I'm tired and losing my focus

please

I can't help but feel

that with every answer

you are asking me another question

and they just

never

end.

So please

ask again

Later.

My Dear Friend, ECM

2010-12-21T05:42:00.001-08:00

January 2008

Sometimes I get this seed in my head
That sprouts into a leaning weeping willow tree
And instead of leaves
the thin branches are lined with blue and purple beads
And when a gust of wind
As small as a sigh
From the tiniest child
Comes wandering through
The tiny gems resemble those that left my eyes
That first year away from you.

Austin Harder.

2010-12-21T05:40:00.000-08:00

September 2008

he makes it look so simple.
that smile.
those eyes.
his windchime laugh that climes the stairs inside your brain.
back down again.
but your thoughts dont lower with his tone.
they stay elevated, like the peak of his pitch.
the more you can manage
to make him release those musical antidotes
the more anesthesia will be released
into those cold veins
that lay in your arms
they will not be empty forever
the hollow passages lead to a heart
damaged beyond recognition
but with a harmonica and a brightly lit moon
splashes of sandy smiles
will end the pain soon.

Erupting

2010-12-19T19:52:00.001-08:00

How do I let out the screams

building up

when I can't tell anyone

the secrets they'd confess?

Truth is

I'm a mess

Wish I could just be.

But

I'm not allowed

to profess

or let out

all those inhabiting;

every

imprisoned guest.

Every caged bird sings

can't release them

make them free

so instead I keep locked up

though I know it's safe

and I am blessed

I long for something more but

knowing what is best

I remain alone still

and imprisoned here in

me.

Non-Recyclable

2010-12-19T07:11:00.001-08:00

The pen I have used

to scribble all of my views

the clues to

the abuse

the truths

is bleeding
and
spotting
and
running
and
dying

I have so many things to write about.
So many utensils to pick from

though
I kept making the same mistake.

But
The pen I always choose

and is

designated for you
is now

all out of ink.

Stones in Her Pockets

2010-12-18T06:43:00.000-08:00

All I ever wanted
was for you to tell me you loved me
and mean it

and I thought one day you had

but I was wrong.

And I got over that.

And moved on.

I thought
All I'd ever want

is for you to say you're sorry
and mean it.

And I thought one day you had

But I was wrong

You never will be

and I'm learning to cope.

Now I know
that
All I'll ever want
is for you to leave me alone
and mean it

And I thought one day you had

but I was wrong.

But I'll fight you off.

Because it wasn't 8 months ago
to me.

Tug.

2010-12-16T02:41:00.000-08:00

Haiku

You're from where I'm from
Where I am, You are
So, maybe we never left?

Call me Inidrad.

2010-12-14T11:20:00.000-08:00

You were young
And I was younger

But only by a month

By way of our freckles
You could count the days

We'd spent outside

playing parentless

crushing poisonberries with rocks
and rubbing dirt on our
bodies.

Can you imagine someone
who deserves to be happy
more than the child
you grew up next to?

And can you imagine
the pain that comes
with realizing she wasn't?

Not at all.

We shrink back down
and wear our bodies like
dress up clothes.
Ankles gather length

Our arms are sleeves
That just cover our hands

"Look what I can do."

We hide in these disguises
a pantomime of a decade passed
Hiding under a pile of clothes
in the back of the walk-in closet.

Time has a tear in it's fabric

We walk through that curtain

And into a new scene
of two girls
in a bathroom
clouds of powder floating
-or-
lipstick smearing
-or-
bathtub water running
-or-
font water seeping through our socks
We've undergrown these clothes
We've bought
With money earned
doing adult things.

We are just children.
Not impostors.

We're just lost.
And homeless.

We're just playing dress up.

Vidanger

2010-12-14T00:19:00.001-08:00

You've stripped me down to

an empty room.

I had a deadbolt

that I didn't bother to lock

So I told you to jiggle the handle

But you took full advantage of access

And then you took the pins to my hinges

one at a time

so I wouldn't notice.

I would've locked you out

but my deadbolt proved useless

and even then

you'd stolen my door overnight.

Then

I lay in my bed

avoiding your essence

and just as I started to succeed

you smashed my window in

to remind me you knew where I lived

A bed meant for dreaming

and receiving refreshing rest

I had to get rid of that open coffin

where I let my life turn to

dark days

and shredded velvet

shattered glass

and reminders of you

I still sit in this room

for there is no leaving

I still wonder

cross-legged

alone

on the floor of this vacant space

Why it is You have

always tried so diligently

to break down

all of my barriers

but then never cared

to step inside?

Cicatrix

2010-12-09T21:38:00.001-08:00

No one's going to tell you

how to be happy

You must choose it

For yourself

Pull through this

Self inflicted misery

Constant reminders

Picking scabs til they bleed

You want people to see your wounds

Want people to know how it feels

But don't you know

People only want to hear the stories

that have already healed?

Renaissance of a Dreamer

2010-12-09T21:17:00.000-08:00

I've been standing at a cross roads

lately, metaphorically

but tonight

matter of factly.

The loud silence

of white flakes

meeting black concrete

creates such a contrast

That my ears hum quietly

in hopes of filling an otherwise

painful meditation

Who are these people I'm so afraid to leave?

Who are these people I'm so afraid to meet?

Disturbances to my reverie

I stand and I wait.

Packing my brain into boxes

compartments and folders

a lovely mess

of memories

plans

and unfinished projects

I can do this

I will do this

I was born with things to do

And I'm sick of being such a cowardly nomad

Onward and Upward

The beginning of the end of something

too familiar

A quick and painless death

for a life hardly lead

A life spent

mostly following

I gulp down a brisk shot of this

bone chilling confidence

and take my first step of many

into the night.

Trust

2010-12-07T20:25:00.000-08:00

I don't trust that I meet your expectations

I don't trust my gut during hesitations

I don't trust that your eyes aren't

looking for something better

I don't trust that my skin

can hold me together.

I don't trust my heart to lead me right

I don't trust my mouth to express my mind.

I don't trust my voice to hit these notes

that will strike the right chord

within your soul

But most importantly

and quite frankly

most to the point

I don't trust at all.

I tried to match it -- Seam by Seam -- But could not make it fit.

2010-11-30T21:48:00.001-08:00

You dare to wonder

Why I hesitated to make you mine

To make myself yours?

Take a step back

Take a look at you

Take a look at me

one with more depth than

this two dimensional

moaning poster

you've rendered me to

Just outlines and curvatures

You've come to prefer

Concave

You did.

Convexed

I am.

You couldn't pretend

You were always a horrible faker

when it was you were faking

I always knew.

At least with him

I had to find out.

An eventual disappointment

You have just been a perpetual one

Catching you in your blunders

as we tumble under covers

of lies

upon lies

upon truths.

You said you were afraid

that you'd become the reason

I no longer believe in trust

I said

Don't flatter yourself

You've just become another sadistic statistic

You claimed aggression

deep pain

because I said you loved too easily

You claimed depression

such heartache and strain

because I could leave so easily

But Darling,

You left first.

For Her

2010-11-30T18:28:00.000-08:00

Empty Vessel

We had laughs when you were full

Each press release

a gust of pure enjoyment

a gust of pure ecstasy

I had nightmares as your content was escaping

leaking

back into the atmosphere

like an elusive aerosol can

now you've embodied all my fears

Have I spent you up?

Is it something that I did?

Was there always a limit on my use

I thought you to be infinite.

I thought we all were.

I watched your hazel fade

to a haunting ghostly shade

I warned you of these changes

but your ignored my pleas

to get back in your body

now you're just wreaking havoc

on this fragile ozone layer

so that I might not be

the only one

you get to harm.

Now I'm left with this

cold betrayal

hollow apathy

and useless aluminum

only

I can't trade this in

for any compensation

my only option

is to vacate

and

forget

you made the stay harder

you made the leaving easy

Recycled goods

Alien parts

Unexpected malice

point me to a place

you promise never to inhabit.

You Shouldn't Have...

2010-11-30T10:33:00.000-08:00

Record timing.
My god how have I done it?

haven't even gotten through
two full pages of forward slashes
filled in boxes
X'ed out numerals
before we completed
our inevitable mission.

For him I have no words.
For her
you can bet I have a few.
And I'll start with two.

Thank You.

You have finally
liberated me.

You two have teamed together
gone dutch
and given me
the most tremendous gift

Freedom

And it's not even my birthday, yet.

Lucid

2010-11-20T12:23:00.000-08:00

Early November

Sitting above these spinning wheels

twisting at this leather til it peels

You could never know just how it feels

As I convulse

screaming pleas at the broken windshield

Never relate

negotiate

just play

hit me one way

then attempt to sedate

had me dozing for a while

but its not that late

checking the clock

its time to be awake

had me sleeping through days

in a hazy daze

trying out ways

that I could see your face

Holding in screams

some slipping through seams

You're haunting my dreams

"Shh, maybe baby it's not as crazy as it seems?"

but

who's here now

that knows how to comfort me?

Even present for my night time delusions

I'm profusely fighting off these violent confusions

melted mouths in lucid illusions

Trying to help but you're being quite abusive

How am I supposed to maintain my pain

refrain from going insane

when each night is the same?

It's such a shame

cause

there's love where there's blame

keep returning like a stupid moth to the flame

This horror's nothing I haven't survived before

Lived through and died before

Given up and been revived before

I think I'm bound to live some more

Gonna take something

a little worse

than

splitting moons through mitosis

hitting fists to noses

six feet under feeding beds of blue roses

holding your face close as it decomposes.

You Only Like Them When They Rhyme

2010-11-18T08:27:00.001-08:00

April 17th 2010

You have me stuck

in this god damn riddle

I'm so sick of

being caught in the middle

for months upon months

and hours upon days

You've pulled me back and forth

in a thousand different ways

And now here you have me

cornered at last

stuck in a rhyme scheme

kissing your ass.

March 20 2010

2010-11-16T09:52:00.000-08:00

Haiku

Find a place to lay.

Find someone else to lie to.

Forget who I am.

March

2010-11-16T09:50:00.000-08:00

Wish I had the wind's ability to be so clear

better yet

I wish I had your ability to just disappear.

Empty Vessel

2010-11-15T21:48:00.000-08:00

Haiku

Empty husk

once bearing fruit

Do you realize that

your season is nigh?

January 20, 2009

2010-11-10T18:30:00.000-08:00

.Break down.

.Give in.

.To love.

---

.Give out.

.Break up.

.From love.

Crude.

2010-10-26T23:34:00.001-07:00

These eyes

so prude and silent

If only you knew

how secretly they desired

to strip and scream.

Slowly

some evenings

I undress them

They whisper as you dream

and though mine are those

scantily clad

I smile shyly for yours.

Secrets passed to modest lenses

lids used for slumber

unlike mine which are primarily

defenses.

I'd sing half naked to you someday

if only I weren't the only one who could

break the threshold of this window's time frame

Lids.

Clothes.

Curtains.

Skin.

Quiet notes wafting in.

Pull this facade back gently

and join in my secret candor

If I hadn't written it down, I'd have forgotten. Again.

2010-10-26T19:32:00.000-07:00

Muted stutters and

upside down numbers

I loved you once

and I loved you well

I can tell.

'Cause though I can't remember

kissing your nose and smiling

or laughing at your tendency to trip on your first step

like it wasn't yours at all,

I remember trees

I remember green

and I remember gold.

I remember our meeting place

of a thousand wild hearts

and infinite sunsets.

Oh,

how they've turned to rises.

If only you knew to convert

to the raise of the

rays

Gold

Peach

Kiss

Unified bliss

End this heartache and miss

I loved you once

and I loved you well

I can tell

I just can't remember.

Reliquiae

2010-10-25T16:18:00.000-07:00

Dizzy with remembrance

I sit and meet your lips

Hoping to remind You

by leaving subtle hints

I knew I knew I knew You

And You remember vaguely, too

but loving is so lonely

when it comes to historic You

I wander to the hay fields

sunrise and sunset

Waiting for wildflowers' bloom

a Universe begets

Little seedlings settle

in the graves of corpses' passion

and my cold recognition

fleets in a similar fashion

It all comes winding down now

to a small bristled blooming head

and in place of floating to new grounds

we stay and reminisce instead.

Shhhhh.

2010-10-18T02:15:00.000-07:00

words.words.words.eyes.

hiatus.

scrunched feet and aching spines.

I understand your silence

and You reciprocate my glances.

I don't want your forever

I am perfectly content with your now.

Mutual sanctity

Manic sanity

Just be

And let me hear You with these eyes

I know you.

And it goes.

2010-09-14T19:48:00.000-07:00

And just like your time
I borrowed these bones
but I wouldn't have at all
if I'd known how often they'd
bend and crumble

and just like these bones
I've borrowed these words
but I wouldn't have at all
if I'd known how often they'd
blend into mumble

And just like those words
I borrowed romances
but I wouldn't have at all
if I'd known how often they'd
end up just lustful

And just like those romances
I borrowed friends
but I wouldn't have at all
if I'd known how often they'd
prove distrustful

And just like those friends
I borrowed opinions...

8.22.2010

2010-08-30T00:54:00.000-07:00

And like that

my youth was gone.

On the eve of such a day

where infinity meets

its tail and

two coiled snakes bow

in prayer

I feel this sky lifting

and my clouds are drifting in

Far from menacing

More like celestial.

I look around and though

I've found my family

my purpose

my death and my birth

all in one warmly spun morning,

I'm losing them all with this sunset

as I look from side to side

and realize

somewhere along the lines

I chose to grow old alone.